Tag: so tired
I’m finally revising my novel. This is a pretty big deal because the only thing I have EVER revised is a story I have been writing with a friend. And even that is just checking for continuity. This time, though, I am trying my hand at actual revision.
Ugh, it’s hard. I mean, not to sound whiny or anything (my last few entries have been incredibly whiny), but it’s sooooo hard. I thought I could get it done in a month, but with the amount of mental energy it’s taking, it’s going to be so much longer.
I’ve never ever been good at the revising. Editing, sure. But once I have written something, it’s written. I don’t like taking scenes apart and rewriting them again. This story, though, needs some plot fixing. It really does. So I am going to need to do that. I wrote this novel two years ago, so getting back into the headset of these characters is difficult. How do I make it work? How do I make it consistent?
I guess it’s just frustrating. At the heart of everything, I am a perfectionist. I want it to be perfect. I know it never will be, at least not with me. I’ll nitpick and nitpick. I just have to figure out where to stop.
I feel like I am losing my mind. (Maybe it’s just because I’m exhausted. Are Tuesdays more exhausting for anyone else than Mondays?)
- I was driving home from work yesterday and opened my water bottle thinking, “Man, if I spilled this right now, it would go all over my lap and make it look like I peed myself.” I then proceeded to do just that.
- I planned my WHOLE WEEKEND around grading the 150 essays that I need to grade for work. What did I leave at work? All of the essays. And the folders I had to organize. Who doesn’t have a key to get in on the weekend? That’s right.
- I was looking for this pen that I like to use when I write. It went missing. I looked for it for three days. I tore my apartment apart. Where did I find it? Hiding under my TV remote.
I’ve always been a little ditzy ( a lot according to my family), but this week I seem to have misplaced my brain. Where do I find it?
I wish there were 25, 30 hours in a day. This past week I have been stressing myself out over everything I have to do, everything that needs to be done, and everything that I want to do.
At work, there is reams of paperwork to do, plus essays and projects to grade, plus lesson-planning to accomplish. All this on top of actually, you know, teaching. And interacting with the students and my colleagues.
When I get home, there is an apartment to clean (who knew I would be such a neat freak before I moved into my own place?), books to read, writing to do, generally more stuff from work that I brought home. Plus, I need to work out. And cook.
Of course, all of this is if I’m not tired. If I am tired? Forget about it. I don’t get anything done.
The worst is between the hours of 3 and 6. I feel so drained that I am lucky if I can do anything with myself besides stare at a computer screen. This three hours of dramatic nothingness puts me off schedule, which just stresses me out even more. Then I work to quickly get things done, and it’s always a mess.
How do we find more time? I want to write, I want to relax, I want to feel like I am not running from one place to another all of the time. I hate being stressed. I am done with being stressed.
So give me more time. Please?
There have probably been thousands or millions of blogs written about writer’s block. I hate being one of those people who adds to it, but I can’t help it. I’m so frustrated. I spend weeks planning a new story, and I start writing… And it all falls apart. This is the second time it has happened in the past few months.
I know I shouldn’t push it. I don’t want to push it. When I write, I want it to be something I’m proud of. But I have so many ideas in my head that I want to get out on paper. And I want to publish books. Plural. But how can I do it when I’m stuck?
Lately, I haven’t been able to find any time to write. And when I do think about it, my brain gets overwhelmed and crazy about all of the other things that I need to do in my life. I can’t even bring myself to finish editing the novel I actually have done.
How am I going to be a writer if I can’t get anything out onto paper? It’s just so completely frustrating. What do I do?
By day, I am a teacher (though I much prefer my fancy “by night” title as a writer), and so because of that, summer should be my favorite season, right? Warm weather, no work, relaxing.
Except that I am a 20-something teacher who has yet to find a permanent job. I run a summer camp in the summer. You know, so I have money to live and whatnot. It’s long days in the heat and sun. Long days with dozens of kids, anxious parents, injuries, and hormonal young staff members. Long days of trying to make soccer and tag interesting for 8 hours a day. Long days of trying to make it a unique and pleasant experience for each one of the 60-70 kids who attend the program each day.
And I. Am. Exhausted.
It is 8:30 on a Friday night. I have already slept an hour since coming home from work, and I am planning on crawling into bed and sleeping in a few minutes.
Aren’t I supposed to be wild in my 20s?
When I started this site, I told myself that I was going to be active. I want to meet and interact with other authors. And I want to get advice for my own stuff. I was going to be so good about it. It was going to be great.
Then real life happened.
It’s the end of the school year for my students. In fact, they start their final tomorrow. In an ordinary year, this would be hectic anyway, what with final grades and students needing to study and the fact that our school has NO AC (humidity and I are NOT friends).
BUT. I am about to lose this job. My position is victim to the many budget cuts that teachers face. Because of this, I am about to lose my health insurance, which is a VERY scary thought.
On top of that, I have gotten a zillion job interviews. This is a good thing. I KNOW it is. I know that the more interviews I go on, the more chance I have of landing a job. Unfortunately, interviews take a lot out of someone. Selling yourself, being your best, dealing with the nerves, is taxing. Especially when they make you teach in front of a group of real live students.
I have had 8 interviews in 2 weeks. And more before that. I am tired. I have a perpetual stomach ache. I keep losing my train of thought. Worst of all, I burst into tears in front of one of my classes today. For no reason. It’s been so hard.
I just want a job. I want this to be over. I want the anxiety to go away. I want to focus on other things.
But until then, I might be a little silent for a while.
When I started this thing, I told myself that I was going to stay active with it, that I was going to post several times a week. And I was really excited about it.
But then real life happened.
I’m a teacher, which is great. Except that teaching jobs are hard to come by in this neck of the woods. I’ve actually been searching for a full time job for five years now. I’ve had part time teaching jobs, and long term sub jobs, but nothing that stick. And so now, I am teaching full time in a job that is ending in a couple of weeks, and frantically applying for new jobs.
I’m getting a lot of calls. Six job interviews in two weeks is nothing to slouch about. But it’s hard. No one seems to understand that I still feel a kind of loyalty to the students that I have been working with all year. I want to stay with them, and help them do their best, until the end. And when I have to take days off for these interviews, I feel like I’m letting them down.
And on top of that, job interviews are SO TAXING. You’re asked the same variants of about ten questions, and you answer, hoping to appeal to that school’s sensibility. And you get psyched up and nervous, so when you’re done, you just want to sleep. AND THEN, you get your damn hopes up, only to hear that they are going with someone with more experience. Well how am I supposed to get experience if you don’t give it to me?!
How many times can I listen to someone tell me I am not quite good enough? What am I going to do if I don’t get a job?
