Classic Stories and Modern Tales
Here’s a break from your regularly scheduled blogging for you… I don’t check into this site as much as I should, but with summer break on the horizon, I want to turn that around.
So what blogs should I follow? What blogs should I read? I love books, teaching, writing, pop culture, movies, Broadway, adulthood struggles… You name it.
Tell me what to check out. Comment here. Promote yourselves if you want to. Why should I check out your blog? I want to! Here’s me breaking out of my shell.
I am in the middle of grading midterms right now. This is what my apartment looks like. Ahhhh! Stressed stressed stressed!
I hate waiting.
I don’t consider myself the most proactive person out there or anything, but I would rather be working for my own destiny than waiting for something to happen.
Waiting and waiting and waiting.
I’m sure the anxiety doesn’t help. I get sick to my stomach. I get shaky. I forget out to breathe. And I agonize. I agonize over the wait and every little detail.
Tomorrow I find out if I have a job still or not. Maybe. How am I supposed to wait for that?
How am I supposed to get over my waiting nerves? How can I keep my mind off of it?
And what do I do if it’s bad news?
I don’t know what I am going to blog about.
I usually like to plan these things in advance. I try to be interesting for you all. I really do.
Today though, everything is uncertain. My life, my job. I’m twenty-seven years old, and I don’t know for sure where I’m going to be in a month.
I envy the people in my life who don’t plan. I envy the people who can pick up and move across the country, without a job in line, without an idea of where they are going.
I like to know what’s coming next. I like stability and continuity. I’m not saying that every day has to be exactly the same, because how boring would that be? But I have a routine, and I like it.
When it goes away, when it gets taken from me, I feel like the rug is pulled out from under my feet. Where was the warning? Where is that stability I was promised?
The routine gives me control. I’ve been searching and searching for jobs and boyfriends and friends and apartments and all sorts of things for years now. Routine gives me power. It’s something that I can change, that I can do, that I can accomplish.
And now it’s all fraying away. And I am sick and I am lost, and I don’t know what to do.
Everyone keeps telling me that I need to just worry about enjoying the holidays, and I am going to try. But with this hanging over me? How can I think about anything else?
I wish there were 25, 30 hours in a day. This past week I have been stressing myself out over everything I have to do, everything that needs to be done, and everything that I want to do.
At work, there is reams of paperwork to do, plus essays and projects to grade, plus lesson-planning to accomplish. All this on top of actually, you know, teaching. And interacting with the students and my colleagues.
When I get home, there is an apartment to clean (who knew I would be such a neat freak before I moved into my own place?), books to read, writing to do, generally more stuff from work that I brought home. Plus, I need to work out. And cook.
Of course, all of this is if I’m not tired. If I am tired? Forget about it. I don’t get anything done.
The worst is between the hours of 3 and 6. I feel so drained that I am lucky if I can do anything with myself besides stare at a computer screen. This three hours of dramatic nothingness puts me off schedule, which just stresses me out even more. Then I work to quickly get things done, and it’s always a mess.
How do we find more time? I want to write, I want to relax, I want to feel like I am not running from one place to another all of the time. I hate being stressed. I am done with being stressed.
So give me more time. Please?
The school year is about to start here, and because of that, I have been attending a lot (and I mean a LOT) of meetings for teachers. These meetings help us make sure that we are prepared for the year, that we have plenty of icebreakers that we can use for our students, and that we know how to welcome the year and the students with open arms.
For me, the welcomes are the scariest part of the year. I suffer from a little bit of social anxiety, and it’s hard for me to make connections with other people. (No, I’m not sure why I became a teacher either.) So I just keep thinking about how terrible it would be if I am unable to make connections with my students.
What if I don’t understand them? What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? What if I’m a miserable failure?
I had these same thoughts last year. They turned out to be unfounded. I didn’t connect with every student, but I loved them all. I made connections. I worked hard for all of them, and I think they liked me all right.
But it’s a new year. New school. New students. I know that I won’t work any less, but those worries nag at the back of my mind. Will it be enough?
Do you ever get so overwhelmed with something that you can barely sit and do anything?
I start school in about a week and a half. It’s great. I am excited, and I know I’m a decent teacher. I mean, yes. It’s nervewracking. Will the students like me? Will I make any sense? Will I teach them everything they need to know? Will they like me? My class?
I’m kind of confident about all of this.
What has me overwhelmed is all of the preparing. I have to make lesson plans and get school supplies ready… (and being a new teacher, I only get a half a day in the school before school actually starts! That makes no sense). As soon as I get something done, I remember something else I have to do. My to-do list is never blank.
I know I’ll get it all done. I’ll make it happen, as long as I focus. But I keep staring at the to-do list, feeling the butterflies in my stomach. How am I supposed to focus when my brain is going in circles? Why can’t I have a day without this worry?
When I was little, I used to pride myself on not being emotional. “I’ve never cried during a movie,” I thought. “Except for Titanic.” But who could blame me there, really? She had to let go!
When I was a little bit older, I wondered if that was right. My friends cried over movies, over music, over breakups. They would sit around crying with each other over how terrible life was (we were teenagers, after all), while I would leave the room. I had a privileged life, not a whole lot of hardship, but even when tough or sad things happened to me, like my grandparents dying within two days of each other, I pushed through. I might have cried briefly and moved on. Found my way back to humor.
To this day, my friends tell me that Chandler is the Friend that I most resemble.
And that’s fine. I don’t mind being less emotional. It’s a lot less to worry about, and makeup is never a problem.
Except, I have become more emotional as I’ve grown up. I don’t cry at sad things, necessarily. But I cry when I am stressed out. I cry when I see my students performing in their school play or at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. I cry when my favorite actress finally wins her Tony Award.
And I cry at goodbyes. It’s a trait passed down to me by my uncle, who is famous in our family for crying whenever a big goodbye happens. And now I do the same.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not hardcore sobbing or anything. I just get choked up.
Today I said goodbye to the men and women at the school I have worked at for the past fourteen months. These people have seen me at my best and my worst. They’ve made me laugh and given me so much of themselves. It’s thanks to them that I am the teacher I am today, that I am confident in and love what I do. I can’t imagine not seeing them next year, not knowing what’s happening in their lives. It’s hard knowing that I won’t get to see my classroom anymore or tease my friends. Yes, a new chapter is starting in my life, but I am going to miss this old chapter so much.
And yay marriage equality!
I got offered a job! A real, live, actual teaching job.
Well, kind of. A year-long, long-term. At my old high school. Which means that all of my old teachers will now be my coworkers.
Okay, so it will be a little weird. And super awkward. But I honestly don’t mind. I’m shy and doubt I’ll talk to a lot of them, or make a lot of friends that I would hang out with on weekends. I’ll ignore all of the drama I’ve heard about. I will look on the bright side. I will put my nerves aside and be a great teacher.
But I am still anxious. There are still a few other jobs in the mix. Full-time, permanent positions. They’re at great schools, but they’re far away from my friends and family. I know I should take them if I were offered, but I’m terrified. How do I establish a life so far away from everything I know? In the middle of nowhere?
I know I shouldn’t worry about it yet. It’s not like I’ve been offered anything. I’m trying not to psych myself out about any of it. But it’s time for me to make some big grown-up decisions. I don’t know if I’m ready.
When I started this site, I told myself that I was going to be active. I want to meet and interact with other authors. And I want to get advice for my own stuff. I was going to be so good about it. It was going to be great.
Then real life happened.
It’s the end of the school year for my students. In fact, they start their final tomorrow. In an ordinary year, this would be hectic anyway, what with final grades and students needing to study and the fact that our school has NO AC (humidity and I are NOT friends).
BUT. I am about to lose this job. My position is victim to the many budget cuts that teachers face. Because of this, I am about to lose my health insurance, which is a VERY scary thought.
On top of that, I have gotten a zillion job interviews. This is a good thing. I KNOW it is. I know that the more interviews I go on, the more chance I have of landing a job. Unfortunately, interviews take a lot out of someone. Selling yourself, being your best, dealing with the nerves, is taxing. Especially when they make you teach in front of a group of real live students.
I have had 8 interviews in 2 weeks. And more before that. I am tired. I have a perpetual stomach ache. I keep losing my train of thought. Worst of all, I burst into tears in front of one of my classes today. For no reason. It’s been so hard.
I just want a job. I want this to be over. I want the anxiety to go away. I want to focus on other things.
But until then, I might be a little silent for a while.
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